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11/6/2025 0 Comments Boundaries and boldnessIf you could choose one type of thing to be able to say "no" to, with no consequences, what would it be?
Today I'll share a couple articles with you that may seem different on the surface, but I believe are actually related. Have you ever noticed that you have friends or colleagues who speak their mind in a way that seems to work for them, yet you say "there's no way I could ever say that"? There are a lot of reasons why that could be, of course. Since I love to have choices in my life, I will often ask the question: "Am I avoiding this for a good reason, or is something old and no longer useful holding me back?" 1 Learned Helplessness. Kendra Cherry, and educational consultant, describes some fascinating research done several decades ago. The research shows how, if you're repeatedly exposed to something painful that has no apparent solution, then later on even when there is a new solution available, you'll be significantly less likely to try and solve it. There's a rather sad article about dogs getting acclimated to living in very uncomfortable cages...so acclimated that they didn't bother leaving even when the door was opened. This is just the default reaction, mind you. There are many of ways to undo the learned helplessness. 2. Setting loving boundaries with those around you. I've long been fascinated by boundaries: what are they, when are they useful, and why are they so hard for us? Lindsay Holmes writes a great article about the many ways they can make our lives better. Many of us don't set boundaries well, though. Either we aren't clear enough when we express our needs, we're too aggressive with them, or we don't set any boundaries at all. Part of the "why" behind this may be simply that no one ever taught us to do this. But why haven't we gone and learned ourselves? Is it possible that at some point along the way we learned that setting boundaries won't help? I'm thinking of the shrieking child I saw in the grocery store, yelling at her mom to "put me down! put me down!" If it doesn't work- if she doesn't get put down- will she eventually decide that yelling doesn't work? Is that a good (less shrieking) or a bad (suppressed boundary expression) thing to learn? 3. My own theory: Seligman, the scientist who discovered learned helplessness, found he could reverse the apathy in his subjects (the dogs) by physically leading them through the motions it would take to avoid the discomfort. With the dogs, it would take many repetitions of that leading before they would learn to start taking the initiative on their own. However, our fancy human brains may help us here. If we can be led, or lead ourselves, through an action previously thought to be impossible, we now have a counter-example to our previous learned helplessness. We can now recall that counter-example, imagine other situations of sucess, and continue to practice in comparatively safe situations until our feelings of helplessness begin to fade. I've personally experienced this in the context of boundary setting: There were certain things that I simply wouldn't say "no" to because I thought it was impolite. But really, even when a friend offered to practice with me in a role-play context, I was mortified. Learned helplessness: "I just don't say that." However, after we practiced for 30 minutes, wherein I got to say "no" to the same thing in a wide variety of different, sometimes playful ways, I no longer felt mortified, I felt empowered. My brain realized that I had an entirely new option that it hadn't considered until then. Also, you know that question I asked on the top line? I really want to hear the answer. Drop it in the comments or e-mail me! Warmly, Aaron
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Back when I was doing a lot of bodywork in addition to me Somatic Experiencing (SE) practice, there was often a fair amount of confusion from the people I talked to. I'd have people calling in, asking for Somatic Experiencing, but speaking about it as if it were massage. So I'd have to answer this question:
What is the difference between therapeutic bodywork and Somatic Experiencing? The easy answer is: Therapeutic bodywork (aka 'massage therapy') generally consists of physical touch, usually via some form of soft tissue manipulation, and often on a massage table. Somatic Experiencing, on the other hand, is traditionally done interpersonally, through dialogue, between a practitioner and client who are sitting with each other (or over video sessions). While there are some advanced SE techniques that may offer the option of light touch on the body, I think that a big part of the confusion is that the word "Somatic" does refer to the body. It means "relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind". Somatic Experiencing is a therapeutic approach that focuses on your experience of your body, including your internal sensations, your external 5 senses, and even your sense of memory and imagination. But it's not a massage, and doesn't require touch. Ultimately, I think what people really want to know is: Which one is better for me? In what ways does therapeutic bodywork help and in what ways does SE help? This is one of those questions with a million answers. I'm going to give the answer that feels true for me today. Hands-on bodywork can help people reduce pain, calm their bodies, increase their ability to move fluidly and with greater flexibility. It can also help people improve their proprioception (knowing where their body is in space, even with their eyes closed), which can improve balance and agility, as well as their ability to make small adjustments in their movement and posture in order to improve their health and comfort. It can also help them feel a great degree of well-being, sometimes for days or weeks after a session. Somatic Experiencing, especially a series of sessions over time, is more oriented on improving your nervous system's ability to handle stress. It can help people get less upset by things that used to upset them, it can help them feel more energy and resourcefulness in situations that used to be exhausting or overwhelming, and it can help them derive deeper enjoyment from the 'good' things in life. Basically, if you have a problem that's aggravated by stress: your temper, your sleep cycles, your ability to focus, Somatic Experiencing work can be aimed at bringing your body's natural stress regulation abilities into focus so that challenge can be reduced. Sometimes a Somatic Experiencing's client might be in so much pain from muscle tension that it's challenging for them to focus on the exercises that could help them relax in the long run. Perhaps bodywork would be helpful in that case. Sometimes a bodywork client's muscle tension might come back only days after a massage because their life is so high stress. In that case, a series of SE sessions might help them stay in a comfortable state of mind and body for longer and longer than before. If you've ever had questions about the difference between bodywork and SE, and you still have more after reading this, please comment below, or shoot me an e-mail! [email protected] Cheers! Aaron 10/30/2025 0 Comments October 30th, 2025I used to host a regular "Self-Care Lab" where we'd meet and try different "somatic experiments": trying on different ways of moving, thinking, or feeling and seeing how they affected us. I'm a big fan of gentle life experiments like this.
1. The difference between a general body check-in, and checking for pleasant sensation. One experiment we conducted was taking a few moments to notice where our thoughts naturally went if we checked on our bodies and emotions. Many of the things that folks noticed were the everyday stresses, tensions, and anxieties of life. Then to contrast that, we did a check-in where we specifically looked for anything enjoyable that was happening. Much of the room expressed pleasant surprise at finding different thoughts, sensations, or reactions that felt good- and that in noticing those, the previous anxieties diminished greatly. I'll write up a version of that exercise and post it in the link above. 2. How to use your breath to allow stress to discharge. Christopher Bergland writes a great introduction to some of the ways that modern science and ancient tradition are finally working together. A big part of that is the Vagus nerve. My Somatic Experiencing practice (and most SE practitioners') is highly influenced by the research that shows the vagus nerve to be vital in regulating whether we are in a state of fight-flight or rest-and-relax. Strengthen vagal "tone" and you improve your body's ability to regulate stress, reduce inflammation, and rest the body. One of the ways to strengthen your vagal tone is through certain types of breath, and Christopher shows you how. (hint: the heart rate tends to slow down on the exhale, and speed up on the inhale. Knowing that, how would you adjust your breath if you wanted to encourage your body to slow its heart rate?) 3. Why feeling our strength can be a part of healing. As a massage therapist, I'm often helping people relax. But as a practitioner of Somatic Experiencing, I'm often helping them connect to their strength: their drive, their passion, and even sometimes their anger. This article describes how it can be limiting to only strive for relaxation, because sometimes in order to heal from whatever caused you tension in the first place, the strength and energy behind that tension needs to express itself. I would love to see more people doing the hard work of realizing their strength, and then resting deeply with the satisfaction of knowing that they have the ferocity of a tiger ready to protect them if need be. Have you ever experienced a sense that if you needed to, you could be ferocious? How does that knowledge support you as you move peacefully through the world? Over the past nine years as I've studied and trained in Somatic Experiencing, I've started realizing that there are a lot of way to take care of ourselves, mentally, physically, and emotionally, that are highly effective yet not yet 'common sense' in the public sphere. I'd like to share some of these with you.
1. Using your body to lower stress levels. Movement specialist Betsy Polatin offers very simple, yet potent ways of using your body to shift your patterns of stress. Even something as simple as taking your right hand, placing it gently on the skin of your left wrist, and taking a few moments to enjoy the contact of skin on skin can help your breath deepen naturally, and your shoulders begin to relax. 2. Using your unfocused mind to refresh your focus and your will. Author Srini Pillay, M.D. explains the benefits of 'spacing out', and offers guidance on three different ways to space out in the most effective, healing way possible. For example, while you surely know that dwelling on "what you should have said" over and over can stress you, imagining something whimsical like running along a cliffside near the ocean can help you reconnect to your sense of self, and manage change more effectively. Sometimes it can be hard to use these approaches when you're around other people. Our sense of social duty can distract us from taking care of ourselves, and it can be exhausting just to try to stay present with those around us. So, I've written a short article exploring: 3. How to recover yourself even when you're with others. Even something as simple as how you're holding tension in your face can drain you of social energy far faster than you might imagine. And yes, I'm linking to my own blog from 6 years ago, don't judge me! |
AuthorAaron Kapin is passionate about helping others grow more comfortable in the world, more clear on what they want, and more confident in their ability to ask for it. He's spent his entire adult life studying communication, personal growth, and healing arts, and hopes to continue training and growing for a good long while. ArchivesCategories |
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