Boundaries and boldness

If you could choose one type of thing to be able to say "no" to, with no consequences, what would it be?

Today I'll share a couple articles with you that may seem different on the surface, but I believe are actually related.  Have you ever noticed that you have friends or colleagues who speak their mind in a way that seems to work for them, yet you say "there's no way I could ever say that"?

There are a lot of reasons why that could be, of course.  Since I love to have choices in my life, I will often ask the question:  "Am I avoiding this for a good reason, or is something old and no longer useful holding me back?"

1  Learned Helplessness.  

Kendra Cherry, and educational consultant, describes some fascinating research done several decades ago.  The research shows how, if you're repeatedly exposed to something painful that has no apparent solution, then later on even when there is a new solution available, you'll be significantly less likely to try and solve it.  There's a rather sad article about dogs getting acclimated to living in very uncomfortable cages...so acclimated that they didn't bother leaving even when the door was opened.

This is just the default reaction, mind you.  There are many of ways to undo the learned helplessness.

2. Setting loving boundaries with those around you.

I've long been fascinated by boundaries: what are they, when are they useful, and why are they so hard for us?  Lindsay Holmes writes a great article about the many ways they can make our lives better.

Many of us don't set boundaries well, though.  Either we aren't clear enough when we express our needs, we're too aggressive with them, or we don't set any boundaries at all.  Part of the "why" behind this may be simply that no one ever taught us to do this.  But why haven't we gone and learned ourselves?  Is it possible that at some point along the way we learned that setting boundaries won't help?

I'm thinking of the shrieking child I saw in the grocery store, yelling at her mom to "put me down! put me down!"  If it doesn't work- if she doesn't get put down- will she eventually decide that yelling doesn't work?  Is that a good (less shrieking) or a bad (suppressed boundary expression) thing to learn?  

3. My own theory:  
Seligman, the scientist who discovered learned helplessness, found he could reverse the apathy in his subjects (the dogs) by physically leading them through the motions it would take to avoid the discomfort.  With the dogs, it would take many repetitions of that leading before they would learn to start taking the initiative on their own.

However, our fancy human brains may help us here.  If we can be led, or lead ourselves, through an action previously thought to be impossible, we now have a counter-example to our previous learned helplessness.  We can now recall that counter-example, imagine other situations of sucess, and continue to practice in comparatively safe situations until our feelings of helplessness begin to fade.

I've personally experienced this in the context of boundary setting:  There were certain things that I simply wouldn't say "no" to because I thought it was impolite.  But really, even when a friend offered to practice with me in a role-play context, I was mortified.  Learned helplessness: "I just don't say that."  However, after we practiced for 30 minutes, wherein I got to say "no" to the same thing in a wide variety of different, sometimes playful ways, I no longer felt mortified, I felt empowered.  My brain realized that I had an entirely new option that it hadn't considered until then. 

Also, you know that question I asked on the top line?  I really want to hear the answer.  Drop it in the comments or e-mail me!

​Warmly,
Aaron​