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11/6/2025 0 Comments Boundaries and boldnessIf you could choose one type of thing to be able to say "no" to, with no consequences, what would it be?
Today I'll share a couple articles with you that may seem different on the surface, but I believe are actually related. Have you ever noticed that you have friends or colleagues who speak their mind in a way that seems to work for them, yet you say "there's no way I could ever say that"? There are a lot of reasons why that could be, of course. Since I love to have choices in my life, I will often ask the question: "Am I avoiding this for a good reason, or is something old and no longer useful holding me back?" 1 Learned Helplessness. Kendra Cherry, and educational consultant, describes some fascinating research done several decades ago. The research shows how, if you're repeatedly exposed to something painful that has no apparent solution, then later on even when there is a new solution available, you'll be significantly less likely to try and solve it. There's a rather sad article about dogs getting acclimated to living in very uncomfortable cages...so acclimated that they didn't bother leaving even when the door was opened. This is just the default reaction, mind you. There are many of ways to undo the learned helplessness. 2. Setting loving boundaries with those around you. I've long been fascinated by boundaries: what are they, when are they useful, and why are they so hard for us? Lindsay Holmes writes a great article about the many ways they can make our lives better. Many of us don't set boundaries well, though. Either we aren't clear enough when we express our needs, we're too aggressive with them, or we don't set any boundaries at all. Part of the "why" behind this may be simply that no one ever taught us to do this. But why haven't we gone and learned ourselves? Is it possible that at some point along the way we learned that setting boundaries won't help? I'm thinking of the shrieking child I saw in the grocery store, yelling at her mom to "put me down! put me down!" If it doesn't work- if she doesn't get put down- will she eventually decide that yelling doesn't work? Is that a good (less shrieking) or a bad (suppressed boundary expression) thing to learn? 3. My own theory: Seligman, the scientist who discovered learned helplessness, found he could reverse the apathy in his subjects (the dogs) by physically leading them through the motions it would take to avoid the discomfort. With the dogs, it would take many repetitions of that leading before they would learn to start taking the initiative on their own. However, our fancy human brains may help us here. If we can be led, or lead ourselves, through an action previously thought to be impossible, we now have a counter-example to our previous learned helplessness. We can now recall that counter-example, imagine other situations of sucess, and continue to practice in comparatively safe situations until our feelings of helplessness begin to fade. I've personally experienced this in the context of boundary setting: There were certain things that I simply wouldn't say "no" to because I thought it was impolite. But really, even when a friend offered to practice with me in a role-play context, I was mortified. Learned helplessness: "I just don't say that." However, after we practiced for 30 minutes, wherein I got to say "no" to the same thing in a wide variety of different, sometimes playful ways, I no longer felt mortified, I felt empowered. My brain realized that I had an entirely new option that it hadn't considered until then. Also, you know that question I asked on the top line? I really want to hear the answer. Drop it in the comments or e-mail me! Warmly, Aaron
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Back when I was doing a lot of bodywork in addition to me Somatic Experiencing (SE) practice, there was often a fair amount of confusion from the people I talked to. I'd have people calling in, asking for Somatic Experiencing, but speaking about it as if it were massage. So I'd have to answer this question:
What is the difference between therapeutic bodywork and Somatic Experiencing? The easy answer is: Therapeutic bodywork (aka 'massage therapy') generally consists of physical touch, usually via some form of soft tissue manipulation, and often on a massage table. Somatic Experiencing, on the other hand, is traditionally done interpersonally, through dialogue, between a practitioner and client who are sitting with each other (or over video sessions). While there are some advanced SE techniques that may offer the option of light touch on the body, I think that a big part of the confusion is that the word "Somatic" does refer to the body. It means "relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind". Somatic Experiencing is a therapeutic approach that focuses on your experience of your body, including your internal sensations, your external 5 senses, and even your sense of memory and imagination. But it's not a massage, and doesn't require touch. Ultimately, I think what people really want to know is: Which one is better for me? In what ways does therapeutic bodywork help and in what ways does SE help? This is one of those questions with a million answers. I'm going to give the answer that feels true for me today. Hands-on bodywork can help people reduce pain, calm their bodies, increase their ability to move fluidly and with greater flexibility. It can also help people improve their proprioception (knowing where their body is in space, even with their eyes closed), which can improve balance and agility, as well as their ability to make small adjustments in their movement and posture in order to improve their health and comfort. It can also help them feel a great degree of well-being, sometimes for days or weeks after a session. Somatic Experiencing, especially a series of sessions over time, is more oriented on improving your nervous system's ability to handle stress. It can help people get less upset by things that used to upset them, it can help them feel more energy and resourcefulness in situations that used to be exhausting or overwhelming, and it can help them derive deeper enjoyment from the 'good' things in life. Basically, if you have a problem that's aggravated by stress: your temper, your sleep cycles, your ability to focus, Somatic Experiencing work can be aimed at bringing your body's natural stress regulation abilities into focus so that challenge can be reduced. Sometimes a Somatic Experiencing's client might be in so much pain from muscle tension that it's challenging for them to focus on the exercises that could help them relax in the long run. Perhaps bodywork would be helpful in that case. Sometimes a bodywork client's muscle tension might come back only days after a massage because their life is so high stress. In that case, a series of SE sessions might help them stay in a comfortable state of mind and body for longer and longer than before. If you've ever had questions about the difference between bodywork and SE, and you still have more after reading this, please comment below, or shoot me an e-mail! [email protected] Cheers! Aaron |
AuthorAaron Kapin is passionate about helping others grow more comfortable in the world, more clear on what they want, and more confident in their ability to ask for it. He's spent his entire adult life studying communication, personal growth, and healing arts, and hopes to continue training and growing for a good long while. ArchivesCategories |
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